Boundary Busters: What Not to Do in Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is like drawing a line in the sand—only sometimes the tide rolls in, and suddenly, your line is gone. If you’ve ever tried to set boundaries and found yourself saying, “Wait, this isn’t what I meant!” you’re not alone. Let’s dive into some common boundary-busting mistakes with a little humor to keep things light—because boundaries don’t have to be boring!

1. The “No, But Actually Yes” Boundary

You say no…but then immediately follow it with, “Well, maybe just this once.” Congratulations! You’ve just taught people that your no is actually a yes if they push hard enough.

What to do instead: Keep it simple. “No” is a complete sentence. Practice saying it without guilt. Altogether now, repeat after me, “No is a complete sentence!” More passion, more power: “NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE!.” Ahh, there you go. Its okay that people are looking now. Carry on.

2. The Boundary Bomb

Out of nowhere, you explode with a firm “I NEED SPACE!” and then act surprised when people don’t know what you’re talking about.

What to do instead: Boundaries are most effective when they’re communicated calmly and clearly—before you hit your breaking point. Vomiting anger and bitterness all over everyone out of nowhere only damages your ability to make deeper emotional connections within your boundary setting.

3. The Apologetic Boundary

“I’m so sorry, but I kind of need you to, um, stop calling me at midnight.” You’re asking for something reasonable, but your endless apologies make it seem like you’re asking for the moon.

What to do instead: Own your boundary. No need to apologize for putting yourself first. “But what if I hurt their feelings?!” Uh, you might. That’s not a reason to blur a boundary. Is your boundary putting them in. danger? No? Then stop using guilt as an excuse to let people walk all over you.

4. The Overshare Boundary

You give a entire TED Talk about why you’re setting a boundary, complete with pie charts, historical context, and an emotional monologue. By the end, everyone’s forgotten the actual boundary and are drooling all over your couch cushions.

What to do instead: Stick to the basics. “I can’t commit to that right now” works just fine without a PowerPoint presentation. Think of all that energy you saved not over explaining everything just to make yourself feel better.

5. The All-or-Nothing Boundary

You go from being a doormat to building an emotional fortress complete with a moat and crocodiles. Sure, no one’s crossing your boundaries now—but no one’s even trying to connect with you, either. "#LonelyForever

What to do instead: Healthy boundaries are flexible. It’s okay to let the right people in, and it is okay to let those who do not fit in your season right now go. #BoundariesAreCool

6. The “Boundary for Everyone but Me” Move

You enforce boundaries like a pro—until it comes to your own time and energy. Suddenly, you’re saying yes to things that drain you while urging others to say no. You’re like an emoitonal energy ATM without any balance requirements. They keep swiping, and you keep giving until you’re the own overdrawn.

What to do instead: Lead by example. Respect your own boundaries, too. You need a bubble bath while watching your favorite Netflix guilty pleasure instead of hanging out with that one friend (yeah you know who I’m talking about)?—you’ve earned it! Recharge and refill your emotional bank!

7. The “Silent Treatment” Boundary

You’re upset someone crossed a line, but instead of saying anything, you quietly resent them until they figure it out on their own. Spoiler Alert: They won’t.

What to do instead: Communicate directly. People can’t respect boundaries they don’t know exist. We’re not all mindreaders. You cannot expect someone to know you’re on this journey, and you can’t expect to not engage in communication around the boundary parties you’re throwing.

8. The “Boundary? What Boundary?” Syndrome

You set a boundary but never enforce it. Your friend keeps borrowing your car and returning it on empty, and you just keep handing over the keys.

What to do instead: Follow through. A boundary without enforcement is just a suggestion, and not everyone finds your suggestions worth noting (sorry, not sorry). Otherwise, expect what Einstein says, “doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.” Yeah, we ALL know what that leads to.

Final Thoughts: Dodge the Boundary Busters

Setting boundaries takes practice, and nobody gets it perfect every time. The key is to learn from your mistakes, laugh at the awkward moments, and keep going. After all, boundaries are there to protect your peace, not to stress you out. So, avoid these classic boundary-busting moves, and remember: You’re the architect of your own emotional space. Build it strong, but don’t forget to leave a door open for connection with those who choose to have a seat at your boundary round table ;)

—Kayla Seitz, LCSW